Friends:You May Never Know How many You Have Until You Fall

It was a cool evening in one of Nairobi's high end lounges, after spending the entire day brooding over my lack of a nanny, chipped nails and the ever growing pile in the laundry basket, a friend come over to my place, saw the stress on my face and commanded "Go and get dressed, and I don't mean your usual tights, a top and crocks, dress up in an Ayak way, we are going out". That is how I found myself in this tastefully lit room. Everyone was speaking in hushed tones, and we too took our seats and observed the silent "thou shalt not be loud rule".
I must admit it was nice unwinding to a familiar person, our conversation went through 2010 and sailed all the way to the cause of my stress to-date.
Then this friend looked at me with sadness, even with pity and said "mmmmh Ayak you are a great person, but you have one huge problem.." Before my friend could end his sentence my brain was already ticking of the flaws I had constantly been reminded of through my life stubborn, determined, forgiving, have a big heart, short tempered, impatient….And then I went into automation, I am aware of my flaws I said, but I am working on them. But thats not what my friend meant, So between me justifying my supposed flaws and he trying to fit his words between my sentences, he managed to blurt out "you have no friends, thats your problem, you have no genuine friends".
I shut up, and let it sink in and slowly I felt my spirit shrink and shrink and I envisioned myself standing on a bare island in the middle of the ocean. I checked my Facebook wall and inbox, viber, Skype and phone log and messages just to confirm how many people other than family just checked in to see how I am doing.The numbers were appalling.I mean my family was always there, a constant, but people I called friends who just communicated, for communication sake were little.I was disheartened.
It is true I am not friends with all my childhood friends, some have fazed off my life and other have just shrunk into becoming acquaintances while others remain in this unclassified status, I have made friends along the way others lasted, others betrayed , and for some like a love that has grown cold, we simply grew apart.
And then just like that it hit me, hours later as I lay in bed, disturbed by my friendless state I went through my phone and saw a few constants, I saw that although few, there were constant good mornings', how was your days', there were constant mushtageens' and be strongs. There were also trips down memory lane, with "remember when you climbed the flag pole and fell…., remember partying all night and going for exams in the mornings?" there were those as well. I also flashed back to those whom I would see after long periods of time and just continue where we left off, friendships that are not affected by the lapse of time.
I realized, I might have lost a lot of friends along the way, but what I lack for in quantity I make up for in the quality of a few genuine friends I have, they that do not judge, that stand by me no matter what, they that hold no reservations in their love and protection, they that are not afraid to tell me I fucked up, but also they that are the first to forgive and walk me in the right direction. So I do have friends, genuine friends, who have anchored me, and kept me afloat in my darkest moments and to these few people, I say "Thank you". EBlackanese

Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver, and the other is gold(Unknown)

 ‪#‎ConcernedJunubi‬ ‪#‎IntellectualFeministRevolution‬ ``

Feminst Rant

We live In a society where we are not even allowed the space to reach our potential.As girl and woman becomes synonymous with stupidity, follower, brainless, stubborn and greed, and responsibility and smartness is associated with being male.
We from a young age are restricted from even exploring our environment ie. climb trees for the mere fact that we are deemed fragile and incapable, while our brothers are raised into supremacy: the right to be smarter, superior, first choice heck even worth fighting over.
Now I see yet another generation being brainwashed into believing that being timid and hiding your personality in a facade that is designed to please society in the way we live, the choices we make and even the people we fall in love with. Stupid little girl, think on your feet.Haven't you learnt from my heartache and defeat?
Stupid little girl, smiling into space, Don't you know that love will run out,when you loose that pretty face?
Stupid little girl, how can you trust? Hasn't it dawned on you that nothing lasts?
Stupid little girl, your future is bleak.But.How dare you have an opinion and speak.
Stupid little girl, says the voices in her head,heart marching to the brink of death.
Stupid little girl, an empress in the making reduced to a woman with a personality that's flaking .(EBlackanese)

Another HeartBreak

I must admit I am a control freak, and I have constantly struggled with letting be and just being in love.It hadn't always been like this, But after the collapse of my marriage, I said to myself never again will I let my guard down so, Never again will i totally loose control.

But two years later, and after heart to heart with friends and family, I let my heart be.I was head over heels for an awesome, intellectual man, who was not bothered by my previous life, my dry sense of humor, my some what off key dance moves, the fact that I had a son, am a feminist and have a chosen career path that I am keen on perusing.He was not fazed by my stretch marks and scars both physical and metaphoric, quite the contrary and to my absolute delight, my eccentric-self intrigued him.

We objectively discussed politics, global issues, he criticized my poor punctuation skills, In short he was a well rounded man, that treated me and made me feel like a queen, and I must say I saw myself rise to slowly morph into the amazing person he saw in me, the me that I had stopped believing in.I thought of us as a team that was gearing up to face the world, rumors and all.We were perfect, or  so I thought, that is until he suddenly skirted around the L word in our chats (you see this was a temporary long distance relationship, and there were a few weeks to go before we were together).
That day was like any other to be highlighted by the eminent Skype call.I was excited and nervous, Skype was like a treat.I bathed, dressed up, put on a little make-up and perched before my computer in my room.
He showed up on the screen, looking off, my boy screamed with joy at seeing his face and I had to ask the nanny to take him away, then just like that he was talking break up."you are too good for me", "you deserve better", you .......my ears blocked, I felt like I had stopped breathing my chest was hurt, I could only read the expression on his face and that too wasn't helping. I balanced my tears, told him thank you for letting be me and we said our byes.(It must have been more than that, but I was in shock and cant remember ).I remember calling back saying "I am in love with you, I love you", hanging up, and then asking myself why?
So to console myself i wrote this:

Darkness again claws at the fringe of my being,
Familiar ache pushed down, Breath in; Being.
I let be, immersed freely, sweetness came into being,
Alas the joyous whirlwind has ceased from being.
Now to excavate your engravings in my being,
And watch you leave with a piece of my being
Conscious, intellect reign king over my being
Bigger, higher boulders erect over this being
Twice run run-over, bruised but still being..(EBlackanese)

Re-living a brush with death

She was determined to make it a good day.You see this lady is the black lace top and high waist-ed vintage skirt was determined to make her rainbow. So here she was , heels clinking as she crossed the street, "Clunk Clunk Clunk", like a boss she thought to herself. Always something about red lipstick and heels that gave her that feel.Anyway here she was after a long day of meetings finally heading home.She boarded a mini-bus and sat at the center of the seat right behind the driver.she smoothed her skirt over her thighs, drew her MK bag lovingly to her body, checked the content of her bag one last time , because again with Nairobi you just never know, then zipped it shut. She pursed her lips in a famous, "I aint got time for shit pout," head straight back arched as the mini-bus slowly made its way through the smoky traffic.
She was lost in thought and with each breath she silently imagined her neurons dying of the carbon laced air, and then "Boooooom" she was jolted to her senses, a huge woman sat by the window was thrusting her entire body at her, a man at the front seat jumped out the left window, the woman carrying that cute baby with Bantu knots in colored hair bands jumped out as they all poured out right after her, out of the mini-bus and into the pavement as smoke started rising from the engine which was right where her foot was rested a few seconds ago.The crowd was in confusion, the police man shouted at the driver to pull out the fire extinguisher, and she now experiencing an asthma attack fisted her hands around her inhaler, and inhaled the vapor.
She shakily stood up, fixed her belt around her waist and started clunking her way back to the stage, as Emily ( that is the name of the huge lady who was sat besides) explained what had happened to the mini-bus which luckily did not burst into flames. They entered the mini-bus, sat behind the driver seat, and as the engine coughed up to life,each was caught up in their own thoughts of the night. As for our high heeled lady, her thoughts were those of gratitude at the chance of being able to go back to her son and niece that night.